I Would (Not)

There’s things I’ve said I’d not want, or never do, or never be, and saw such things as negative, and nonetheless I’ve ended up wanting, doing, or becoming many of them.

‘I’d never study at ____ , such an shallow place’
‘I’d never stop talking with ____ , it means a lot to me’
‘I’d never put ____ before ____ , its a matter of principles’
‘I’d never want to learn about ____ , or stuff related to it’
‘I’d never become like ____ , it gets on my nerves’
‘I’d never dedicate myself to ____, such an meaningless way of life’
‘I’d never like anyone that isn’t ____

And many others mental statements like that…

Then there’s the things I’ve wanted to pursue, or thought to myself that I must want, do, or become, which are the things I ended up myself achieving the less, or not at all. For some reason it was apparently more probable for me to get to do something I say I must not do, or rather not do, than getting to something I say I must do or I want to do.

Then I came to the realization that some of the things I’ve said ‘not’ to do before, were part of how I really was, or am, things I had forgotten that were part of what defined myself, but no matter how much I tried fighting against them, I’d end up drawn back to them.

Such thoughts, lifestyles, ways of acting and doing things, that were the most like myself, started being eroded away by some external pressures (such as being labeled an outcast, and also the fear of not living up to the expectations many people has in myself), some stupid or broken moral or social imperatives (like, you must be this way if you ever want to amount to anything), and some stupid desire of wanting to live the lives of others and not my own (as in, trying to live, act and work the way the people I admired lived, acted and worked, because I thought that by doing so I’d achieve the success for which I admired them, that it would be easier following their trail, rather than making my own path).

But then I’d always find really hard to adapt myself to such things I and mistakenly saw as good, then feeling bad because of such failed attempts, and then being drawn back with an inmense force to the things I mistakenly saw as bad, but weren’t bad, just were the things most like me, that I forced myself to see as bad just trying to fit in, live up to the expectations of others, and living the lives of others.

The solution of these issues can come down to, trying to ignore the most obnoxious broken moral or social imperatives (self-fulfillment, at the cost of possibly not being what others and society defines as good, or acceptable), trying to be and live with who you are (not shaping your life to the lives of others, their ideas of success or what they perceive as good or acceptable), and not trying to be and live up to what others want you to be and live up to (not shaping your life according to the pressure coming from their expectations, living up to what you, and not others, want of yourself).